The Cellular Mystery

A Story Celebrating the Comedic Aspects of Technology-Dependence

Our society is so advanced that we’ve developed a new body part. You may have heard of it, the cellular phone! Though small, it is mighty.  It connects us with friends and family and occasionally, a generous individual letting us know that we’ve won 1 trillion Airmiles.

Our mobile devices also house several essential components of our lives, like the 36 photos of that unusual-looking animal we saw walking across the road the other day and those animated creatures we collect by walking around our locales (i.e., Pokémon Go). Considering this tiny device’ amazing functionalities, it’s completely understandable that you may consider listing it as your emergency contact next time you’re asked for one.

With all of the above said, it’s also natural that when we think we may have misplaced this little gem a feeling of absolute terror overcomes us. Let’s talk more about this in, “The Cellular Mystery”.

As I finished up my work out for the day (moving the massive pile of laundry from the washer to the dryer), I had a fleeting thought about where my cell phone was. I temporarily banished the thought from my mind as I laid the high-maintenance items on the drying rack and congratulated myself on moving the clothes to their next step of the cleansing cycle so efficiently.

“You are truly inspirational,” I whispered to myself as I high-fived the wall in lieu of a fellow human being.

I sprinted up the stairs singing, “where are you cell phone…” to the tune of Faith Hill’s, “Where are you Christmas”, and tried to remember the last place I had it.

I leisurely searched the usual cell phone hiding spots: counters, between the couch cushions, the garbage, bedside tables, the fridge, but it was nowhere to be found!

I then tried to approach the problem more rationally (just like Thomas Edison would do) and thought through what I had done prior to my Olympian-like workout.

“Okay, so first thing after rolling out of bed, I had attempted to use up all the perishable items in the fridge, per the instructions of my current read, a self-help book called, “Be Your Best Self by Using Up Everything in Your Fridge”. Once my breakfast creation was completed, I had ‘insta-storied’ it with the caption, ‘a new me’, so I definitely had it at that point. Next, I had wanted to remove all remnants of my prior wasteful self, so I had hopped in the shower. While the water performed its cleansing magic, my cellular friend had blasted Destiny’s Child’s, “Survivor”, which allowed me to be productive as I showered through memorizing the words. (Note to Self #1: consider writing your own self-help book titled, ‘Productivity Starts in the Shower’). After getting dressed, I zipped outside to the mailbox to see if the package I was expecting from my Aunt Amazon had arrived in the 6 minutes I was in the shower. A slight drizzle had been falling from the sky at that point, so I had left my partner-in-crime on a table by the door so it didn’t drown (my mobile device couldn’t swim…yet). Post mail-check, I went down to the laundry room…hmmm….”

The neurons in my brain started to fire, “PANIC. PANIC NOW!!”

“NO! I am remaining CALM. IT IS HERE SOMEWHERE!!!” I shouted back defiantly.

 “You probably dropped it somewhere outside, and I bet a bird found it and took it to use as a gate for its nest,” the Negative Nancy in my brain replied.

I slipped into the rabbit hole of distraction for a few seconds and thought about how incredibly neat that would have been, but then “snapped back to reality” à la Eminem. It’s not that I didn’t think birds were capable of being innovative, but I couldn’t let her win. “No, I DIDN’T DROP IT, NEGATIVE NANCY. IT IS IN THIS HOUSE AND I’M GOING TO FIND IT!”

I forced myself to maintain a balanced calm pace as I entered my bedroom. I thought about a phrase my yoga teacher had recently encouraged me with: “You can never really lose anything, as everything that means something to you can be found within your spirit.”

“HAH see, Negative Nancy? My cell phone is NOT lost, it’s WITHIN MY BODY,” I stated a bit aggressively which is certainly not something my yoga teacher would have encouraged.

Anyway, moving along, I changed into my workout top and shorts, hoping that an athletic outfit would give me some sort of adrenaline superpower, speeding up the reunification mission.

Though I’m not sure it provided me with any superpowers, it did inspire me to increase my pace to a jog, as I traveled through each room of the house systematically. Boy, did I scour those rooms, from ceiling to floor, from corner to corner. (Note to Self #2: the dust on the top shelf of the bookcase seems to have taken on some striking life-like characteristics. Contact the Discovery Channel to pitch this as a documentary idea a.s.a.p.).  At one point the amount of sweat traveling down my forehead into my eyes was particularly obtrusive, so I meticulously rolled up a paper towel and tied it around my head to keep my vision clear (unfortunately, I was NOT the proud owner of a terrycloth sweat headband).

Despite my heroic efforts, I had nothing to show for my work upon exiting the last room. I felt a bit defeated and betrayed by my mobile best friend. Faith Hill struck me again, but as my mood was quite deflated, I decided to perform a toned-down, hummed version of her huge Christmas-time hit.

“Why have you ABANDONED ME!? WHAT HAVE I DONE?!” I cried out once I had completed the first verse. Paralyzing, irrational thoughts bombarded my brain. “Maybe I accidentally put it in the dryer with my wet clothes and it’s on fire right now. Oh my gosh, or maybe I microwaved it by accident when I was making my breakfast of kitchen scraps!”

Then, almost as if Faith Hill had bestowed some of her calm genius on me, I shook off the illogical thoughts and decided to employ the tactic of visualization I had recently learned from my other best friend soulmate, Oprah. I envisioned various famous detectives cheering me on like Nancy Drew, Sherlock Holmes, Olivia Benson, Fin Tutuola, and Lennie Briscoe.  The scene was so clear and poignant in my mind. They were clapping and cheering, and holding signs akin to friends and family cheering on a loved one running a marathon.

“This IS MY marathon,” I thought confidently to myself.

Almost serendipitously (as it happened amongst the cheers), my gaze fell upon a power outlet, and then it hit me. The vocal strength of the Destiny’s Child ladies had drained the power from my phone, and I had PLUGGED IT IN TO CHARGE post-shower.

As I ran to the den, I questioned how I had missed checking the floor area next to my chosen electrical outlet. It dawned on me that the sweat shower had come to a head in that room, and had obviously distracted me from seeing the yin to my yang lying on the floor, being resuscitated. 

Well, all in all, that was quite the day. That said, absence certainly makes the heart grow fonder, and I have now purchased a “cellular necklace” to reduce my risk of misplacing my magical gadget in the future!