The Virus

A Story About the Comedic Aspects of Living Through a Pandemic

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The human experience in a first world country has many mundane (and occasionally annoying) aspects to it. Some of these less than glamorous activities include navigating through crowded department stores; using public washrooms; purchasing products to keep your personal hygiene at a socially acceptable level; and working in an office filled with people (not of your choosing) that you’re forced to interact with in a professional way. That said, when a highly contagious virus overtakes the world and restricts the movement of the human race in a truly unprecedented way, everyday experiences like the ones noted above seem like bright lights that we can only hope to get back to one day. If you’re looking for a bit of normalcy in these crazy days, here it is: let’s talk about living through a pandemic in “The Virus”.

As I did my daily scroll through the news app on my cell phone, my eyes briefly scanned a headline noting that a highly contagious virus, COVID-19, which was currently attacking China, was threatening to spread across the globe at rampant speed.

“Interesting…” I thought to myself as I quickly moved onto an investigative article discussing nail polishes that claim to be quick drying, taking quite a long time to dry.

After I had caught up on the news (the important pieces anyway), I decided I should move my butt and head to the gym for a mental health break. I smelled the clothes that had been sitting in my gym bag for a few days, and though my assessment wasn’t Downy Fresh, it didn’t reek of landfill either, so I decided to forge ahead.

As I approached the door of the gym, I noticed a sign on the door and wondered if they had finally decided to recognize my amazing gym-going record (I went at least twice a week) and post an advertisement noting my prestigious membership, and ultimately VIP status. As I got closer, I realized that it was a sign cautioning gym members to use extra diligence in sanitizing the equipment (and themselves) prior to and after use due to the virus known as COVID-19.

“Interesting…” I thought to myself as I made my way into the change room.

As I was getting dressed, I overheard two women discussing their thoughts on the COVID-19 situation.

“Mike and I have a stock of food and supplies for a full six-months, so we should be okay. There was only crappy one-ply toilet paper at the store the other day, but we bought all the packages they had anyway. Better to be able to wipe than not at all,” stated the first women with an air of confidence I didn’t expect regarding such a situation.

“Wow, I didn’t even think about stocking up yet. Do you really think it’s that serious? I’ll have to go out this afternoon and buy anything that’s left,” replied the second woman as if she was talking to a certified COVID-19 guru.

My mind started to race. “This thing is barely in our country at this point. Why are people stocking up? They must know something I don’t!” I almost ran out of the gym that minute to go to the grocery store, but somehow managed to calm my thoughts and complete my workout, like a true well-balanced hero.

I decided to hit up the grocery store on my way home from the gym. The aura of the store was tense and dramatic. None of the shoppers had a list in front of them and they simply appeared to be buying whatever was available. I desperately tried to keep 6-feet from other people (a practice that I had learned about on the radio approximately five minutes earlier) as I made my way through the aisles.

As I was climbing to the top of an empty shelf trying to find anything resembling soap, I overheard a woman asking an employee, “Is there a meat sale on? It looks like you guys are all cleaned out!”

As I made my way out of the grocery store with a far smaller inventory than I had hoped to have, a man ran past me (definitely within the 6-feet limit) wearing a mask, goggles, and a football helmet.

I spent the rest of the day reading/watching every single news article, Tweet, Reddit post, and Tik Tok video published about COVID-19. It wasn’t the most uplifting of material for sure, but I wanted to be educated. By not the most uplifting, I actually mean seriously soul crushing, but if you hide from reality, you’ll be flattened by it when you least expect it. I think that’s the motto that successful people live by anyways.

As I was eating my breakfast in front of the television the next day, I stumbled upon a live government update. I was surprised that I hadn’t been directly notified of the update as a VIP gym-goer; however, I decided not to hold any grudges and give the relatively-important government official my attention. He declared that all residents of the city had to practice physical distancing and to refrain from gathering in larger than groups of 10 people.  I made a mental note to cancel my petunia-planting party scheduled for the following night, as 26 people had currently RSVP’d as attending.

My phone started ringing, and my boss’ name lit up on the caller ID.

“Good morning, Paislee speaking.”

“Paislee, it’s George. You likely heard already, but this COVID thing is pretty serious. You’re going to need to work from home effectively immediately.”

“The government just gave me an update, and after seeing the serious looks on their faces I absolutely agree with you.”

“You’re going to be allowed to come back into the office at 10:00 a.m. to grab your things. Touch as little as possible, be as quick as possible, and do not come within 6-feet of anyone you see. Even me.”

“Got it. I have been training my whole life to rob a commercial building, and this sounds like a pretty similar situation. Finally, I get to execute my skills!”

“Okay. See you at 10:00, Paislee”.

The news was heavy and a lot to process. To avoid working through my emotions in a mature and healthy way, I began planning my tactical execution plan to gather everything I needed from my office. As the clock struck half past nine, I was ready to commence my journey to the workplace.

I left my apartment equipped with a thorough COVID-19 protection strategy. I had a package of Lysol wipes in my bag so I was ready to wipe down anything and everything that may have been contaminated with the nefarious virus. I had also packed two 250 milliliter bottles of hand sanitizer (please note they of course had at least 60% alcohol content), just in case I suddenly needed to draw a bath. I had decided against my swim goggles for this particular outing, but I was donning gloves and a scarf that I could throw directly into the washing machine when I got home.

The streets were quiet. I mean I was wearing noise-cancelling headphones, but it certainly looked silent. The people who were out appeared to be keeping a minimum of 6-feet from each other, and I made a mental note to write to the government official from the morning announcement to give him an update on my observations. That said, as I was waiting to cross the street at an intersection, an individual who shall not be named stepped into my COVID protection bubble. I gave the person a look as to indicate, “if you haven’t heard of COVID-19, I can’t help you,” in conjunction with tapping my miniature measuring tape key-chain, and he immediately backed up.

The subway train was emptier than usual, but still had a good number of riders on it. I stayed standing, and as a tactic in my COVID-19 avoidance strategy, I attempted to balance without holding onto the railing. My plan was an immediate failure as I launched forward as soon as the train pulled away from the station, causing multiple people to scatter away from me in fear. I immediately knew that my face would soon be on ‘Bad COVID-19 Citizen’ posters!

Relief ran through my veins as I remembered the bottle of Lysol wipes that I had with me. I grabbed one from my bag and wiped down the handle nearest to me. The strong scent of sanitization filled the air. The other riders started to stare just as I realized that my plan had one flaw: I had nowhere to put the used wipe. I knew I couldn’t throw it on the floor (with my current reputation being so poor), so the only option I really had was to hold it.

“At least I have my gloves on.” I mentally patted myself on the back for having the foresight to wear hand protection, as I did my best to position the wipe away from any form of air movement so that the smell would cease bombarding every passenger with its fragrant grasp.

Just as the train approached my stop, the song “Dirrty” by Christina Aguilera came through my headphones. I frantically skipped the song (using the hand that wasn’t holding the biological weapon of a used Lysol wipe), as “Dirrty” was anything I wanted to be feeling in a pandemic environment.

I executed my office retrieval plan effectively and professionally. Though my movements were stealthy, and I demonstrated an amazing ability to restrict my hand movements, the whole process felt incredibly strange, and I couldn’t help but leave feeling a bit emptier than I had come. My canister of Lysol wipes was also empty as I had decided it was best to wipe down every surface that I looked at (as the research was inconclusive at that point as to how the virus spread, and I didn’t want to risk spreading it through my eyes). I had also put wipes on the bottom of my shoes in an effort to support the cleaning staff and wash the floor for them.

My first day of working from home was tough. I had anticipated it as being exceptionally productive, an Einstein-type day if you will, due to the reduced distractions like in-person meetings, hunting for snacks around 3:00 p.m., and the daily commute which was typically full of many ups and downs (ups including jamming to sick beats and filling my brain with incredible podcasts, downs being the energy it took to move one’s body from one location to another); however, overall I felt a sense of loneliness that was hard to get away from.

I committed to a more productive second day working from home by starting the day with an early-morning run. I made a conscious effort to look every person that I passed (from a minimum of 6-feet away) in the eye and smile at them; I wanted them to know that I truly saw them for everything that they were, had been, and ever will be. On a side note, please keep an eye out for my next TED Talk called “Smiling Into People”. This was a time I needed to forget about my VIP gym-goer status and truly be one with the people. A few people smiled back and one person actually waved! I had never felt warmth spread through my body like I did upon seeing a stranger wave back at me as quickly as they did that day. Usually, I would have looked around to see who they were actually intending to greet, but that day, I took the sign from the universe for what it was: other people are lonely too, and you need each other.

As I was entering the final strides of my run, I looked up to the sky to say a silent thank you to the universe for the sense of community I was feeling, and noticed someone in the apartment building above me taping a bunch of Post-its in the shape of a heart onto her window. My heart swelled with the generosity of her gesture. I looked up at the woman, made sure I locked eyes with her (right into her soul) and outlined as large of a heart shape as I could with my hands. I’m not sure if she actually saw me, but it really was the thought that counted. I was almost embarrassed to admit that not two weeks prior I had been frustrated by the number of people I had to avoid on my running route. I realized quite quickly that I would likely never take that for granted again. Well, okay, I would likely start taking it for granted approximately two weeks after social distancing measures had been lifted; however, that’s beside the point. As I walked towards my building, I thought I saw a caterpillar morphing into a butterfly; it was actually a curled-up leaf being blown away by the wind, but again, beside the point. The point was, hope. I was determined not to lose hope amongst this entire chaotic mess. I knew that at some point, 15 years later, the world would be out of this mess, and I wanted to be there to see it. In the meantime, I had a lot of TED Talks on smiling into peoples’ souls to create.

Check Out the Audio Version Here